Update: In Korea

T/W for video: depression/suicide

Before content begins today I just wanted to make a quick update.

I've made it to Korea. Airline lost ONE of my bags. It did contain a crucial piece for my set up but I also had multiple contingencies for this exact scenario and will be testing out my setup. If all is good, I'm going to do YT as soon as possible.

I made a video also just talking about my current headspace and what it feels like being in Korea. It's what most would consider a "dark" video but I made it explicitly to just be honest with what I deal with every waking moment of my life.

As an artist and a director, I find that I romanticize everything: including life and death. And I think if I don't want to get caught up in my own ideals of what is a beautiful life and a beautiful death, I just need to tell people: I'm a fucking weirdo. I nearly died once when I was 17, survived, and have been obsessed ever since. The name FORM OF THERAPY, was literally dropped the day before I nearly died.

A lot of my urges are highly irrational, and I think it's why I became such a logic driven person. But my irrational thoughts have been sounding a lot more rational lately so I figured I needed to just tell you guys and stop being embarrassed because my suicidal thoughts are just weird and normal to me, but the moment I become embarrassed, I feel ashamed, and THEN I become depressed, and that's a whole different type.

Going forward, I plan to live my life bravely and honestly. I truly believe this is the only way we can become better as both people and just as a culture at large.

And it always starts with the person who wants the change, right?

ADD-ON:

Something I talked about before is—I don’t care. It’s why I can be so flippant about life and death. But the only thing I’ve EVER cared about—is how the people I love feel about me.

I’m a thirsty B for love. I can’t get enough because I’ve never had it. And it’s why I kept hiding things or didn’t tell this audience certain things and always kept you guys at an arms length. And because I’ve never had love I just don’t know how to express it.

But that’s why I’m saying all this. I’m done being ashamed of myself. If you leave, you leave right? I get it. But no one here has ever once made me feel ashamed of being me, whereas the world has reacted opposite of me.

I cannot express properly or in one video how much I love and care for you all. I’m sorry I’m posting A LOT today but I’ve been in Korea for two days now so I’m processing A LOT.

I will find better ways to express my gratitude than just video updates and long ass text posts.

This will be the last one of these for a while so I can focus on doing my job for you all.

Summary: I'm in a great place. There's just always a lot of darkness behind my smile, and I love that about me, I just need people to be OK with that as well.

SEE YOU SOON IN THE YT VIDEOS!