What the freak is going on?

So hey babies!! I have been told I've been away for a long time, so here's an update from the notes provided by my doctors and family!

Something has happened to my amydala due to an overload of PTSD and/or the flu (still waiting on results of lumbar puncture). This has caused me to develop epilepsy! Seizures are triggered by stress, light, strong emotions (both good and bad), loud sounds and sometimes, nothing at all!

It's been pretty scary. They have been happening on and off in varying intensities for the past 29 days! These electrical fuck ups in my noggin have caused something called psychosis, in which I experience unbearably loud auditory hallucinations near constantly from all directions, visual hallucinations from time to time, disordered thinking and speaking, extreme emotional flips/mania and psychotic episodes when I'm stressed or tired.

By all accounts, I should be in the dirt, permanantly brain dead, or at least in a coma -  the doctors have told me that one single seizure lasting 20 seconds usually takes about three days to allow the person to speak or understand the situation and about a month to feel like themselves again. I had twenty eight 2ish minute seizures over the course of the first week, and can just about walk, talk, read and write (poorly and slowly) now (after being under the care of neurologists, psychiatrists and personal care teams trialing a miriad of meds.) My last seizure was on the 4th Feb.

When this all started I was unable to eat for 13 days, and my face is still healing from me trying to claw it off with my fingernails. LUCKILY - I remember absolutely none of this, I just take the pills, get injected with stuff and stare at the wall until sleepy time.

So anyway, I'm a fucking legend and everyone should give me kisses and cuddles forever.

This biological and psychological trauma however has left me with significant memory loss, to the point where when I wake up the nurses have to tell me my name, where I am, who I am and what is going on. Pretty spookums. I've written myself notes as much as possible about what is happening. I could relay it all to you guys here, but it's pretty dark and possibly inappropriate.

Anyway, during these fits, I tend to bite my tongue until it bleeds, snarl and growl, and gnash my teeth to the point where they've changed position, as well as a bunch of other wonderful symptoms that my family and friends have held my hands through. My support network is rock solid and I am unbelieveably lucky to have them.

I am so, so sorry if we were working on something together, or if I forget anything, or if we have a relationship and I forget what we're doing. Some days, I forget how to walk, or I forget my own mothers face.

I don't choose what leaves me however, so I might remember!! But yeah, it's been possibly the worst time of my life. But, the grass is greener after the storm, and look at all this progress! I'm worried about how this might affect my work, and I really really miss you all so much.

I was thinking maybe when I'm hope, I could use my sound design skills to show you what it sounds like in my head! I'm thinking of doing a more in depth video update when I know what the fuck is going on lmao. 

In the meantime, I'm so sorry for being away and all the radio silence, I really appreciate anyone who has stuck around, I owe you so much. I will be pausing all payments for a month or two until I can guarantee more content. 

You are all superheroes who deserve the world for supporting me through such a terrifying time. I love you all so much. If you would like to chuck a couple bucks my way to help me through this, help me get a carer so I can go home and not be stuck in this white, windowless box 24/7, that would be pretty baller. 

www.buymeacoffee.com/ivywildeva 

No obligations, and I will love and appreciate you just as much for all the care and kindness you've shown me over the years.

TLDR:
1. MOMMY IS VERY VERY SICK
2. YOU WILL NOT BE CHARGED FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS
3. MEMORY IS FUCKED AND WILL NEED REMINDING, PLS NO OFFENDED
4. I WILL RETURN TO WORK AND RESPOND TO DISCORD ASAP
5. I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH.