i am your V - Valentine

sorry for late upload and late congratulation, happy Valentine Day! ❤️

i could only make one soft art on this occasion, I wanted a sexy art with idea of ? riding ? but i failed due to Lunar New Year guest visits and health reasons... I have a hot art from previous days but I'll upload it later when i finish another one just not to bother with multiple posts.

...

so, here's my rant nobody asked for

i know a lot of you probably wait for my updates both MOO and more arts... i do my best to continue my art, i draw everyday little by little

i guess my gastritis got better after 2 months of medication treatment. i try my best to keep up my health

some days are fine. yet some are just the worst of worst - when my health literally killing me

the migraines are just as bad as they were. yesterday I was so tired, not only that I had to go out to visit friends - it wasn't fun at all cause I had a migraine the whole day, since the moment i woke up right until now - it's still the same, my eyes hurt, my body feels numb, dizziness, nausea, fatigue, throbbing pain in the pack of my head, sensitivity to sounds, sensitivity to light. I took painkillers - twice, they didn't ease my pain at all, I still experience a pulsating pain in my temples 

i had this since i was kid, i remember waking up, brushing teeth and sitting down because i was fearing to fall. when it's not an excruciating pain, then it transforms into extreme drowsiness and fatigue. sometimes it lingers for days, that's when i have a derealization. seriously this disease is making me want to stop living, it makes me feel so depressed sometimes i wish i just stopped existing just to end this misery

the fact that it's not possible to heal this is even more depressing. i have migraines literally everyday, in the morning, in the day, in the night. sometimes it hurts so much that i can't draw, i can't walk, i can't do anything, i can't even think, i just lay down praying it'll go away.

i tried everything the doctors recommended. i walk 3 hours every day, get sun light, i eat healthy, fruits vegetables, milk, etc. i exercise, i take vitamin supplements and medications, i do all the procedures... but... i don't feel much improvements, which is even more demotivating

they tell me, 'if you're sick, don't draw', but what if i'm sick almost all the time? i shouldn't draw at all? when will i have time? is drawing through pain okay? it's the only option for me though. besides art for my soul i must work to pay my bills too. i feel like i waste all my time and energy on health that doesn't even improve! yes, some rare days i feel a bit better and i try to pretend that mentally i'm okay just to lift my own spirits, as if the same day I didn't barely had any strength to wake up cause my head is in pain. if drawing while i'm in pain is harmful for me then maybe to die while drawing is better for me than living my life without art.

ik i sound dramatic lol but i'm just angry, angry with my situation that i cant help myself. i feel useless. and i don't ask for pity, cause, well, i was born with this sickness and won't ever get rid of it either, no matter how much others try to help me, my situation is helpless , it's like a curse

and with all these health problems there goes the pressure from people who hate on my art, they want me to stop making my art. on a positive side maybe it's good that i don't have time nor energy to care about it